The Second Self

This past year, I went to school for the first time since I graduated high school. After enrolling for the prerequisite math and writing classes I chose a third class of my own interest: Mass Communication and Society. I thought this would be the class to get me through my boredom of the first two classes, and while it was intriguing, it proved to not be my favorite class.

I would probably describe myself as an old fashioned, young person. I am the oldest of the Millenials, those born from 1981-2000's but I don't share the same natural ability or inclination to technology as some of my peers. I remember having many conversations with my husband about how technology was making this new generation (the Plurals, those kids my children's age) stupid. In my opinion, there are key elements of character that are not being developed in Plurals and it is all the media's fault....yes, I was one of those ranting people, please don't judge me just yet.

I wanted to take this Mass Communication class to find out if my assumptions were true......or at least justify my position by learning just enough information to support my conclusion. My first day of class, I walk into a room with only 9 people, and I am the second oldest person in the room (the oldest person dropped the class two weeks later, making me the OLDEST person in the class)

So, not only am I old in this class, I am also the only digital immigrant there. (I learned this term the first week, I was born and raised BEFORE technology took over our population and media, and while many people my age have adapted quickly, I use technology the way someone 10 years older than me might). During class, we are supposed to have our smart phones on the tables at all times, because we will be required to search information online as we discuss topics.  I had to timidly ask my classmates how to change the settings on my phone so that it wouldn't vibrate while being on silent...... condescending looks from my younger classmates confirmed that I didn't really belong in this class.

Our first real assignment was to go an entire day using no "New Technology". No cell phones, digital TVs, laptops, I-pods, email, DVD players...nothing. If we were to use the phone, it had to be on a land line. We had to use REAL alarm clocks not the alarm on our phone, no Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, nothing. My other classmates fretted about how much they would have to change. I did not worry at all. I am just not that dependent on technology apparently. Other than not getting on Facebook for the day, my life would pretty much stay the same. We came back to class the next week and shared our experiences, I arrogantly shared that I was not affected the way they were.......[the most ironic component to this assignment is that halfway through the term, the class became an online class, how is that for being unplugged?]

 A week later, we watched this video by Amber Case: We Are All Cyborgs Now. She talks in the video briefly about our "second self" the online persona that needs to be cared for, given social time with people online, fed, tended to.....and while she makes a very positive conclusion about the way technology is benefiting the people of this current generation, connecting us all, I came up with a different, drastic conclusion: I did not want a second self anymore, even the underdeveloped one I had, was impacting my life in ways I was not prepared to admit.

I didn't want to have two selves.....I wanted the real me to have an amazing first self life.....not a life that was being shared with the other half of me online. I didn't want to put little snippets of my feelings out there for people to draw the wrong conclusions from. I realized I didn't REALLY know people because they are only putting the pretty second self out there for me to see. I knew I was short changing people, there are filters I had developed as I created my second self.  I had learned to be online without divulging all of my emotions, feelings, thoughts, and reactions to everyday situations. This was my way of not coming across as too......fill in the blank.

And that is what most people eventually do, filter themselves down to the appropriate posts and updates. Though we all have those friends online that don't filter ANYTHING, and we eventually unfollow them. It makes the very nature of online relationships limited. There is only so much of ourselves that can come through characters and photos on a screen before others start making opinions about our real selves based on their observation of our second self.

I wanted to experience TRUE relationships with people. I knew that I was not fully committed to anything online so I wanted to end my Facebook account and focus on my real life relationships starting with my family. Admittedly, all the caring for my second self steals from my first self kids. Just think about how when we scroll through Facebook, that is twenty minutes (at the very least) that I am ignoring my kids, because I want to know what is going on in my friends lives, who I don't talk to in real life and probably haven't seen in years, and yet I am choosing to see what is going on their lives so that I "feel connected" while not connecting with my child who is most likely sitting in the same room as me, and may even be looking over my shoulder to feel involved in whatever Mommy is looking at. Let's be honest, I probably do this for an hour, all the while answering questions about homework, schedules, when dinner would be ready.....have I started to make dinner? Here, I will make another tab and go over to Pinterest to decide what to make......Now you can judge me.

I was disappointed in myself. Here I had spent years complaining about how technology is "ruining" the development of this generation, when really it was ruining the development of my own character. I was not who I wanted to be. So, I decided to delete my Facebook account, unfriending everyone who I was connected to online so that I could intentionally connect to those people who are near to me in my first life.

I am not condemning people who have social media accounts, watch the Amber Case video above, she definitely ends on a positive note. And I know many people who use social media and it's a good thing for them. I just knew it wasn't for me anymore.

When I first announced to all my friends that I was going to be getting off of Facebook, I told them it was going to be a long process and that I was going to be deleting everyone.......so that I had nothing to come back to. You see, like I said I am old fashioned and loyalty, integrity, and honesty are important to me. And I have crazy expectations of myself and if I say I am going to so something, I better do it, or else it makes me a liar.

If I had told people I was going to take a break and come back to Facebook in a month, that would have been fine, I see lots of people do that during Lent, or the holidays, or when they are needing to reset themselves. That is just not the route for me. I know my own weaknesses and I know that I had an unhealthy part of myself that was living online. It was time for my second self to die, so that it could be recreated in a healthy manner and in a way that did not have as many (if any) relational consequences in my first life.

This blog, I type at night when my kids go to bed. My husband sits across from me at the table, writing his blog about his journey of losing weight called Leaven Leaving, and I write this. It's one less way my second self is interrupting my first self's life.

Tonight's coffee: KONA coffee my mom just brought back from Hawaii, a tablespoon of brown sugar, and half an inch of half-n-half :)